I fell asleep next to the heater and I woke up bone dry, and here I am talking brittle lips and powdery throat. It was insane. I got a bottle of chilled water and it was SO cold. An hour and a half later and I am finally feeling somewhat hydrated after nursing a warm honey lemon water and the bottle back and forth. (and for those confused, of course I assure you that despite what you might have heard about me, I am not swigging a full bottle of sake. And unfortunately I am out of the bottle of Pepper Tabasco to fill my brittle soul…)

Anyway, I am up and out of that Thanksgiving coma. This year, unfortunately, I didn’t make any turkey for my lonesome and all the turkey I had was consumed within the week of Thanksgiving. Usually I have leftovers for weeks. WEEKS, people! I would have grown feathers and little wobbly doohicky out of my chin at this stage of the game.

Other than that, I’ve been mum because there is not much to say about the things I am allowed to write here. Recently I’ve taken steps to disassociate my name from the site. I realized that this would make the search for the perfect job of 2009 easier. I don’t want employers to read about what other places I have applied to or what I think of a particular potential brand. (Really, it shouldn’t surprise ANYONE that people will apply to multiple jobs. That is a smart thing to do.) I don’t put it past anyone to google people these days. The best of detectives can still sniff out this site from under all the rubble, but at least it is not the first thing that appears when you type in my first and last name. I don’t intend to completely, hide, though. No psudonyms, anymore. I don’t even know what I would call myself. “Girl Wonder of Turkey Consumption?”

I don’t do that hanging all my dirty laundry out to dry thing anymore. I used to do that mostly in High School, because it was High School. Then I did some daily school blogging in undergrad. I would write about papers I wrote and programs I am learning. Occasionally I would write about people. Now, I try to refrain from airing out all the laundry from work. If I do do it, it isn’t going to be here… where there is a history of me since the 90s. If I air out all the ridiculous stories I have accumulated, it is going to be at an ANONYMOUS site hosted somewhere else under a alias for sure. So, watch out for that “Girl Wonder of Turkey Consumption” site boys and girls. But really, not writing about work and not writing about the job search (I guess today is an exception) covers a lot of what I would like to write about.

I think I would die from embarrassment if I ever wrote more about stuff like:

You know… stuff I wrote in High School, maybe, about whether or not he might like you written poetically in the most angst humanly available? That gets tired. Although in writing it, you might feel like some tortured heroine in some racy chick lit. Or something. In reality it is far from that. You’re bordering on some sick online stalkerish secret signals / voyeuristic sending messages out in the void. You start EXPECTING Christian to f%cking call you back, because really, you deserve it. Then you start writing these letters… and sending him locks of your hair and some discarded feminine hygiene products… and and and… and it ends with you still worshipping a secret little shrine in the back of your bedroom where you sacrifice pictures from US Weekly of lesser beings to him and throw them into some shitty glade candle, where you cause a small fire… where you get blamed and condemned as some crazy glazed cinnamon scented pyromaniac! No one needs that to happen. Um… hypothetically speaking, of course.

I also can’t complain about the boyfriend here, really. I should respect another person’s privacy and that their issues are not for me to air. Although boyfriends should maybe humor their girlfriends and SHAVE bare for them. THE CHIN, people. Get your mind out of the gutter! I can only mock him here, which really gets old. I do enough of that in person.

For example, I really want to blog about the ridiculous questionairres some places have in addition to an application, online. Some of the quizes are very thoughtful, geared towards the particular role and determines whether you have the skill of analysis necessary to gather and read certain data. Some of it was even industry specific.

Then there was this 300 question quiz filled with some of the most mind-f#cking questions repeated and reiterated in many different ways. Clearly it was meant to see whether you are consistant, lying, and violent. And if anyone is sane enough, this questionairre will surely fix that problem and cause you to have a violent reaction. It might be smart to employ the same questionaire found on a DATING site (*cough* EHarmony *cough*) in terms of employment. You can see whether the candidate is a good match and share the same long term goals as … the stupid fricken AI running the test. Great. They can have some cyber babies and live happily ever after in the black digital hole of resumes. I hope they stay there. (and granted since nothing comes back alive from this hole, they should)

190. Over the course of the day, I can experience many mood changes.
191. Being in a bad mood has no effect on my work.
192. Coworkers would say I do my job in a very steady and even-paced manner.
193. Coworkers would describe me as someone who works at a very fast pace.
194. Better results are achieved by working at a slow and steady pace than working at a fast pace.
195. I can read people’s emotions.

Hrm. Maybe I am mistaken here. If a certain executive at one of my past jobs would have taken this exam, it would have prevented lots of paranoia and psychotic breaks on her part. We would have also had a heads up that she was bat shit crazy and walks around with a crystal ball. (Wow, I am breaking ALL the rules today.)

A co-worker from my past (not bat shit crazy, I liked her) apparently signed up for EHarmony and was rejected for having violent tendancies… Again, right response. It’s like at the doctor’s office when they hammer your knee. You kick em’ in the groin.

If I was hiring people for my exclusive and wonderful tech company running thought-provoking content, I would require the following (And this is from my experience working in different departments and many different people):

1. Can you work all relevant software? (Don’t lie about knowing something and spend most of the day trying to figure out something that should have taken 5 minutes.)
2. How many WPM do you type? (Please don’t lie about being a tech person and charm the secretary into doing all the typing for you…)
3. Can you set up a hypothetical epistemological Gettier problem? (I would just enjoy creative answers, even if you had no idea what the hell I am talking about…)
4. What are the publications you read? (If it is good enough for Palin, it’s good enough for my prospective employees. In fact, I should ask them whether they can name any other Supreme Court cases other than Roe vs. Wade. Of course they get extra points for naming Economist, NY Times, Washington Post, and one gossip rag. heh heh heh.)
5. Can you show up to work bathed and dressed appropriately? (… Because seriously, people… Don’t show up in a belly baring low rise butt crack plummer jeans if you work with minors. Bath if you work in a tight office space. Please. And don’t hold your suits together with safety pins. If you are meeting with corporate high and mighty bigwigs, don’t wear suits with noticeble holes in the sleeve every single day.)
6. Can you work in a secular environment and NOT bring your religious and/or spiritual beliefs into the workplace? (And please don’t start doing numerology during a business meeting. One person from a long ago internship used to tell me that he would do archery, too. However, in his case he would do it with spiritual and visualization exercises BLINDFOLDED. I spent the next week making sure he didn’t have any pointy projectile weapons.)

Sigh. At the moment things here are run by myself and my boss, Cat. The cat is unrelenting and a big bitch of a boss. He is also meticulous with his work and constantly grooming. He is also of the tenured age 7. He could not be reached for comment.

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